


the lapse

by ronanlynch



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Pre-Slash, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension, and also this is like the second fic i've ever written, and literally nothing else, how does one tag ????, so i'm really really scared
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-21
Updated: 2016-08-21
Packaged: 2018-08-10 04:54:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7831099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ronanlynch/pseuds/ronanlynch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>‘’You know, I kinda saved your life back there.’’</p><p>‘’I’m dead.’’</p>
            </blockquote>





	the lapse

**Author's Note:**

> oh my lord, this is the first fic i'm posting somewhere like ever, i'm freaking out pls be nice, but this is very unbeta'ed so feel free to point out mistakes

It all happened so fast.

Maybe not, like, vampire-fast, but yeah, it was definitely fast enough that Simon didn’t really realize what he was doing until he, well, did it. 

Now that he thought about it, it definitely wasn’t vampire-fast. Hell, it was actually kinda vampire-slow, but you know what, no need to overthink things. He still had a pretty hard time differentiating normal-fast and vampire-fast anyway. Mundane-fast. Whatever.

The thing is. He had kinda, sorta, saved Raphael’s life back there. And it was getting to him. For some reason. Yeah. 

They were out, just the two of them, which Simon didn’t overthink, he totally didn’t do that at all, it was just two guys being dudes. Whatever. Besides, he was pretty sure Raphael only took him out of the hotel because Simon was being, well, Simon. He refused to call his own self annoying in his own head, thank you very much. 

He was just in the middle of explaining the plot of The Wicker Man - (2006) dir. Neil LaBute, of course – to a bunch of, admittedly, bored looking fellow vampires. Fellow vampires. When did that become a thing? What was his life? 

Anyway, so yeah, he was just being himself, his old self, his real self, not this new vampire-self, and if he was being honest, it felt good. Yes, in theory, he knew that he was talking to literal bloodsucking monsters who were probably decades older than him and who could very well kill him, but hey, he had Raphael’s word, didn’t he? Well, Clary had Raphael’s word. Simon didn’t really have anything. Still, he didn’t think he was gonna get killed or anything anytime soon, which was new, given his experiences of late. So he just kinda, let himself go. Decided to make the best out of a shit situation (read: literally being dead). 

What was he saying? Right, The Wicker Man, yeah. He was just about to get to the really good part (read: bees!!!) when Raphael honest-to-Go… okay, so that’s still not happening. Honest-to-Him – gotcha – fucking emerged from the fucking shadows. What a dork. Which, no, not an acceptable thought. What if the dork read minds or something? Nah. That was Twilight. This was real life. Where he was a vampire.

Didn’t someone read minds in True Blood too? He was gonna have to rewatch that one. 

Raphael smiled this forced I-hate-my-life smile and put his hand on Simon’s shoulder.

‘’Fledgling, come with me for a second.’’

Simon looked up at him with what he imagined to be a glint in his eyes. He was feeling kinda bold from being himself and, you know, not getting killed.

‘’You know, I know you say that as an insult, but fledglings are actually kinda cute.’’

‘’Just get up.’’

Oh-kay, no need to piss off the big brooding vampire. He rised from his seat and followed Raphael to his room. 

‘’What the hell do you think you’re doing,’’ Raphael hissed, as soon as the door was closed. Simon swallowed around the lump in his throat.

‘’Um, you know, I was just… you know it was just, like, fun—‘’

‘’We don’t do fun.’’ 

Oh-kay again, Raphael was getting kinda closer and kinda crowding him against the wall. Which was. Not cool. Definitely not. 

‘’I, um, I’m sorry, man. No more Nicolas Cage. I promise.’’ 

Simon was, very much decidedly, not looking at Raphael in the eye. He didn’t really wanna face with all the anger directed at him. And all because of The fucking Wicker Man.

When he had the courage to glance up at Raphael from where he was kinda crouching down against the wall, he didn’t really see much anger. More like, confusion. Surprise. And then, and then, the fucker fucking smirked at him.

‘’You’re afraid of me,’’ Raphael said, still kinda, well, if Simon was being honest with himself, astonished.

‘’Well, yeah,’’ Simon admitted, still not meeting Raphael’s eyes. ‘’Shouldn’t I be?’’

Raphael took another step towards him. They were, like, really really fucking close.

‘’Not really. Your little Shadowhunter friend has my word, remember?’’

With the mention of Clary, and Raphael’s word to her, he felt a bit more relieved. Just enough to look Raphael in the eye. Which were, fuck, intense as fuck. 

‘’Yeah, man, I remember that. But seriously, how many times have you tried to kill me so far?’’

Raphael actually had the decency to look hurt at this. ‘’I never tried to kill you.’’

‘’I have a non-beating heart that would say otherwise.’’

‘’It’s not my fault you’re a vampire. It’s on your little redhead friend. Seriously, fledgling, are you having, what, amnesia? Have you fed today?’’

Okay, this was getting kinda ridiculous. Because a) Raphael was actually right, he never actively tried to hurt him, and b) yes, it wasn’t exactly his fault that Simon was a vampire, c) did he just express freaking concern over Simon not having fed yet, and d) it was pretty obvious Raphael was fucking with him at this point. Which was weird. Did Raphael fuck with people? Okay, no, that did not sound right. And yeah, he did, didn’t he? He was kind of a sarcastic little shit. Which sounded wrong again, right? Almost like Simon enjoyed Raphael being a sarcastic little shit. Which he did not. Not at all. 

Simon didn’t really reply because he was kinda having this weird, Feelings Crisis, and must’ve looked pretty deep in thought, so Raphael put him out of his misery – ooh, death pun- and put his fucking hand on Simons’s fucking shoulder, again, did he have to fucking touch that much, and said, ‘’Come on, let’s go out.’’

‘’Out?’’

‘’Yes. I can’t have you boring my clan to death now, can I?’’

Simon held up a mock-accusing finger, ‘’Technically, they’re dead.’’

Raphael rolled his eyes so hard, they must’ve fucking hurt.  
*  
Once they were out of the hotel, Simon was still coming down the high of having Raphael that close to him. Which, why, why did that have a fucking high? Simon was not having a Sexuality Crisis. Having actual feelings for Raphael, which were just, you know, platonic, respectful, friendly, straight guy feelings, was more than enough. He couldn’t have a freaking Sexuality Crisis on top of that. 

Simon thought of himself pretty comfortable with his sexuality. He liked gay people, and bi people, and pan people, you know, whatever, but he just wasn’t like that. And there was the whole being in love with Clary thing, which, no, not thinking about that right now.

He just. He was cool with it. He was a cool guy. Literally. Death pun no. 2. And a very vague Reservoir Dogs reference. Nice. He was so in his element tonight, man. 

Which was also weird. He actually started feeling at home at the hotel. He was surrounded by freaking vampires, how the hell did he feel at home? He was out with an actual vampire and he felt, well, safe. He always did feel safe with Raphael around. Well, no, that was a lie, after he himself became a vampire and Raphael called him fledling, and baby, and said welcome home, that’s when he started to feel safe around him. Sure, he was still lowkey afraid of him, the same way he was lowkey afraid of every supernatural being around him, but Raphael kinda made him feel like a little kid holding onto his mother’s sleeves at a huge supermarket. Like he was at this party and Raphael was the only person he knew there. 

It was. Whatever. 

So yeah, anywho, they were out, Simon was still having crisis on top of crisis and Raphael had this freaking perpetual little smirk on his face. He seemed relaxed. Even happy, maybe.

They were walking, quiet, not an awkward kind of quiet, which was exactly why Simon wanted to break it. He didn’t wanna be quiet and content with freaking Raphael. That would be too much. 

‘’So you don’t want me talking to other vampires, is that it?’’

Raphael seemed uncomfortable with the breaking of the silence. The breaking of the silence. Raphael’s dramatic nature was definitely rubbing off on him. Okay, mind, enough with these choices of words. Just. No.

‘’What makes you think that,’’ he asked eventually. 

‘’Well, I was just getting sociable with your clan, which was the exact moment you decided to get me out of there. Where are we even going, anyway?’’

‘’Who told you to be sociable?’’

Okay, Simon was getting kinda pissed. 

‘’Um, you did. ‘Welcome home’, remember?’’

Raphael rolled his eyes again, and to be honest, Simon was starting to feel sorry for his eyes. 

‘’You can talk to them. About things that interest them. Not about your stupid movies.’’

‘’My stupid movies interest me. What about me?’’

Raphael stopped. He held out a hand to reach Simon’s arm and stop him too. 

His touch burned cold.

Ugh.

Really?

‘’You can do whatever you want, kid. I’m not the boss of you.’’ He smirked. ‘’Oh, wait. Yes, I am.’’

It was Simon’s turn to roll his eyes. 

‘’Look, I just. I’m trying to find a way to spend the time. It’s not exactly easy.’’

Raphael wasn’t smirking anymore. He kinda looked like he understood. 

‘’I get it, just, don’t be so, I don’t know, Simon.’’

Holy shit. Raphael was sort of rendered speechless and used Simon’s name. All in the same sentence. It was so freaking much that Simon didn’t even remember to get upset over the insult to his character. 

‘’Dude, you just used my name,’’ he said instead.

Raphael started walking again. Simon followed him without thinking. He still didn’t even know where they were going.

‘’I referred to you. I didn’t use your name,’’ Raphael said in a sort of a rush. Simon didn’t think vampires could blush but Raphael sounded like he was blushing. He sounded sheepish. It was hilarious. 

‘’Potato-potahto, man.’’

Raphael frowned like he couldn’t believe what was coming out of Simon’s mouth. He did that a lot. 

‘’Are you even aware of the shit that’s coming out of your mouth?’’

Bingo.  
‘’Yeah, I am,’’ Simon replied with full confidence. Hello, upperhand, nice to meet you. ‘’Are you?’’

‘’What does that even supposed to mean?’’

Raphael was getting more and more frenzied. Simon decided that the upperhand wasn’t exactly worth dying. Again. 

‘’Nothing, man. I’m sorry. I’m just being me, you know,’’ he said in what he hoped was a soothing tone. 

Raphael looked at him for a long moment, didn’t say anything back. They kept walking in the dark. 

Simon decided to break the not-so-awkward-silence again.

‘’At least tell me where we’re going? I’m still not even sure you’re taking me somewhere to stake me and leave me in a ditch or something.’’

‘’Will you ever stop being afraid of me?’’

Raphael said it casually, but Simon felt the question was kinda loaded. He didn’t overthink it. 

‘’Probably not,’’ he murmured. He felt guilty for being afraid. That never happened to him before. 

‘’Why would you want me to not be afraid of you? I’d love it if you were afraid of me,’’ Simon continued. 

Raphael look kinda hurt. Again. Simon felt guilty. Again.

‘’You’ll find being the object of someone’s fear to be a rather fleeting pleasure. It gets old pretty easily.’’

Okay, that hit Simon like a huge bag of bricks. He’d never thought of it that way. He’d just thought, you know, the upperhand.

‘’Oh-kay, then,’’ he said. He was going for casual but he didn’t think he succeeded. 

‘’Tell me where we’re going,’’ he asked again softly. Raphael looked at him. Simon looked away so fast he thought he had whiplash. He was pretty sure vampires didn’t have whiplash. He thought, very loudly, _Fuck._

‘’There’s a Downworlder bar a few blocks away. You could socialize,’’ he answered.

All right, so back to fucking with Simon. That was okay, Simon was used to that. He could handle that. He could.

‘’I thought you didn’t want me socializing.’’

‘’I didn’t say that, I told you to talk to people about things that they were interested in. You’ll find that to be easy there.’’

Aaaand the smirk was back full force. Simon smiled.  
*  
After they walked for a few more minutes in what Simon finally admitted to be a very content silence, he thought he saw… something. Some sort of a flash. It was really dark, save for the dusty yellow hues of the street lights, so Simon thought maybe the light was fucking with him, but he wasn’t taking any chances, no way. 

This time he grabbed Raphael’s arm to stop him.

‘’What?’’

‘’I thought I saw something.’’

‘’What,’’ Raphael repeated. He was visibly irritated. Simon let go of his arm.

And then he saw it again. And heard it too. Steps. Four of them. Coming towards them. 

‘’Holy shit, Raphael, I think something’s coming.’’

‘’Easy, Lewis, nothing’s comi—‘’

The wolf came out of nowhere. Simon felt his fangs coming out before anything else. His first instinct was to run. The second, stronger, instinct was to kill. 

Raphael was frozen in shock for like, half a milisecond, then he released his fangs and ran towards the wolf. It pushed him away. 

Simon felt an even stonger instinct to protect. He ran towards the wolf, bit it in the neck. He winced at the taste of its blood. Then heard it moan from the pain. 

He wiped the blood from his mouth and watched the wolf run away from them. Them. Raphael. He was. He could’ve been hurt. 

He turned around and saw Raphael rising to his feet, looking even more astonished than he did when he realized Simon was afraid of him. 

‘’I, uh,’’ Raphael started. 

‘’Are you hurt,’’ Simon rushed towards him and held him at arm’s length. Raphael pushed his hands away. 

‘’I’m fine,’’ he said. ‘’I still would’ve been if you hadn’t gone crazy.’’

‘’Dude, what? I. You would’ve been dead if it weren’t for me!’’

‘’Don’t be ridiculous,’’ Raphael spat out. ‘’I had a… lapse. I was fine.’’

So. Bruised masculanity it is. Somehow he thought Raphael was above that. Whatever. Simon could respect that.

‘’I just…’’ Simon started. Raphael cut him off.

‘’Whoever the fuck that was, I’m going to fucking make them fucking pay!’’

Oh-kay. Three fucks in one sentence. Raphael was, decidedly, not fine. 

‘’Yeah, sure, the Accords or whatever, I know, that was pretty rude, I agree.’’

‘’Rude!? That was a fucking scandal!’’

‘’I know, I know. We’ll find them. I’ll talk to Luke. We’ll uh, we’ll kill them, all right?’’

Raphael gave him a funny look, but he seemed more relaxed than he did a minute ago. At least he wasn’t dropping f-bombs. 

‘’Yeah,’’ he said softly. ‘’We will. We will.’’

He seemed way too ecstatic for a guy who just straight up agreed to murder. He looked fucking high. 

‘’Okay, let’s just. Let’s go home, okay,’’ Simon said.

‘’Yeah,’’ Raphael agreed. He had this crazed look in his eyes. Simon was not afraid this time. He was coming down from the high of the kill too. Well, the almost kill. ‘’Yeah, okay, let’s do that,’’ Raphael laughed. 

He fucking laughed. Simon thought, for the second time that evening, _Fuck. ___  
*  
The way back to the hotel was definitely not the comfortable silence Simon was already used to. Raphael didn’t say a single word. He didn’t laugh, he didn’t smirk, he was actually frowning the whole time. Simon thought he was embarrassed, maybe. Well, Simon would’ve been embarrassed too, but then again, he was freaking born embarrassed, so. 

Raphael, on the other hand, always seemed like the epitome of self-confidence. Seeing him like that was not sitting right with Simon. He couldn’t keep the silence anymore.

‘’You know, it’s okay, you had a, what, a lapse, happens to the best of us. Hell, I just saw it happening to the best of us.’’

Raphael pushed him to the nearest surface with a hand around his throat.

‘’Listen to me, fledgling, if you value your undead life the tiniest bit, you will not so much as breathe a word of this to anyone. We got attacked. That is it. Nothing else happened. You understand?’’

Simon was not breathing. He didn’t breathe in general, but this was definitely a I-wouldn’t-be-breathing-even-if-I-was-a-mundane kind of non-breathing.

‘’I don’t breathe,’’ he rasped with the hand still around his throat. 

Raphael looked so angry for a moment that Simon was sure he was about to die. For real this time.

Then he burst into hysterical laughter.

He laughed for like an eternity and Simon lowkey thought that he’d be pretty content with hearing Raphael laugh for an eternity. He pushed the thought away. Way away. Not the time, not the place. Not now feeling-boner.

‘’You’re unreal,’’ Raphael said between giggles. He fucking giggled. Simon was dying.

‘’No, I’m actually undead,’’ Simon replied. He was laughing too. It was infectious.

Two manly man vampires giggling in the middle of the street. Like Simon said, just guys being dudes.  
*  
Raphael was less hysterical when they got to the hotel. He had stopped giggling, but he wasn’t frowning either. Simon counted that as a victory. 

They got inside and found the hotel mostly empty. Everyone else was out, or sleeping or something, he guessed. Simon followed Raphael into his room again. He didn’t have to this time. He just wanted to. 

‘’What’re you doing,’’ Raphael said in the mock-accusing tone Simon had used earlier that evening. 

Simon admittedly did not know what he was doing. He just. Followed the instinct. Again. He felt like they had some shit to talk about. What with all the giggling and the frowning, they didn’t really have time to talk on the way back. 

‘’I thought we could, you know, talk about it. Your little lapse.’’

Raphael’s eyes sort of darkened again. ‘’I told you, Lewis, there’s nothing to talk about.’’

‘’Not for you, maybe. I have a lot to talk about.’’

‘’Don’t you always?’’

Simon let himself in and stayed at the almost exact same place where he did earlier. Raphael followed suit. They were literally inches apart.

I see you lurking in there Sexuality Crisis.

Raphael licked his lips. Simon swallowed.

‘’So what do you wanna talk about,’’ he asked, turning away from Simon. Simon held out a hand to stop him. Raphael did stop. Simon knew it wasn’t his fucking hand that stopped him.

‘’I, um, you know, what I did back there. I know you said that vampires look after their own, but I didn’t realize it was that strong an instinct.’’

Raphael looked kinda disappointed. He yanked away from Simon’s hand and sat on his bed. He grabbed a book.

‘’Well, you have a lot to learn, baby,’’ he said, unimpressed, and turned his attention to his book. 

Simon should’ve taken this as his cue to leave. He did not.

‘’You know, I kinda saved your life back there,’’ Simon said, walking towards Raphael’s bed.

‘’I’m dead,’’ Raphael replied, without looking up from his book. 

‘’Well, yeah. But, you know—‘’

Raphael finally put his book down. Finally.

‘’What do you want, a thank you?’’

‘’Kinda, yeah,’’ Simon admitted. 

Raphael took a few steps towards Simon. Simon forgot that he didn’t need to breathe, and felt his non-breath hitch. He suddenly became hyperaware of how close they’ve been all night, how much they touched. He looked down at Raphael’s lips that were a few inches apart. He was close enough. To do what, he didn’t know. He didn’t wanna think about it.

Raphael licked his lips, again, Simon felt petrified. He wanted. So much. 

Just as he was about to do something he was pretty sure he would regret for the rest of eternity, Raphael looked Simon dead in the eye and started murmuring.

‘’Thank you, Simon Lewis, for saving my undead life.’’

And if that wasn’t the last fucking nail in Simon’s fourteen-carat coffin. Casket. 

‘’Satisfied,’’ Raphael continued.

You have no idea, Simon thought. He didn’t even try and will away his boner now. He was so, so fucked.

‘’Um, yeah,’’ he stuttered out.

They were still inches apart. 

‘’Gonna spend the night with me,’’ Raphael asked after a few moments of silence. Simon choked on his own spit. 

He laughed nervously. ‘’Um, yeah. I mean, no! No, no, no. I’ll just be, um, I’ll be leaving now. Going. Right now.’’

‘’Oh-kay,’’ Raphael said softly. And took a step back. Simon let out a breath he didn’t physically need to be holding but did anyway.

He went to the door, grabbed the knob. He looked back and saw Raphael on his bed with his book. 

‘’So, um, good night,’’ he offered awkwardly. 

‘’Good night,’’ Raphael said back.

There was still something gnawing at his mind. ‘’Can I ask one last thing?’’

Raphael looked up from his book, annoyed. He still made a gesture with his hand that allowed Simon to go on.

‘’Your, um, lapse? Why do you think it happened? Can it happen to me too? How often does it happen? I thought our reflexes were supposed to be, like, perfect or something.’’

Raphael pursed his lips and rolled his eyes. 

‘’It doesn’t happen often. Usually when one’s distracted.’’

‘’So you were distracted.’’

Raphael looked down at his book again.

‘’I didn’t exactly go out today expecting a werewolf attack.’’

‘’Right, right,’’ Simon replied. ‘’So it was just a I-came-out-to-have-a-good-time thing?’’

‘’Yeah, sure,’’ Raphael said, distracted and irritated. He still wasn’t looking Simon in the eye.

‘’Okay, then.’’  
Raphael put down his book once again. ‘’You don’t seem convinced. What do you expect me to tell you?’’

‘’Nothing, nothing,’’ Simon said in a rush. 

Raphael turned his attention to his book again. He looked tired and kind of sleep-soft already. Simon cursed himself for realizing that, but, you know what, it was done, he was bi, or pan, or whatever. It was over. He wasn’t going to overthink it. Nope. Definitely not. 

‘’Go to sleep, baby,’’ Raphael said around a yawn. Simon’s jaw dropped open.

‘’Yep, sure, I’ll definitely go do that. Good night, Raphael. Or, I don't know, good morning?’’

‘’Good night, Simon.’’

Okay, could he be any more, whatever!? Simon left the room with his mouth still hanging open. 

He thought, for the third time that night, and definitely not the last time for a long, long ass time, _Fuck. Fuck me. ___

**Author's Note:**

> comments of all sorts are much appreciated !!!


End file.
